Sunday, 18 March 2018

When I became a mother

As my first Mother’s Day as a mum came and went, I like many other parents I’m sure, reflected on just how lucky I am to be a parent, and when I first felt like I had become a parent. Here’s my little story.

One Sunday evening last February I sat on the loo with the hot shower running beside me, gathering my thoughts, the weekend we’d had, work the next day, how much I wanted a baby, my own form of steamy meditation like most Sunday nights. 

Ross was downstairs on the sofa playing video games. We were halfway through watching a film but I wanted a shower before it got too late to dry my hair.

I’d done a pregnancy test at least once a day for the last couple of weeks. 
I was starting to stress myself out with it and felt like I was developing an unhealthy complex.

I told myself I’d do one of the dip tests now and then leave it for at least a few days before I did another. 

The little test had the faintest of second lines on it and I felt my heart skip. I grabbed one of the ‘fancy’ tests from the drawer in a daze and squeezed out what little pee I had in me.

I was transfixed by the little digital screen, when PREGNANT TWO WEEKS appeared I couldn’t believe it. 

I can only image that’s how lottery winners feel when they realise they matched all the numbers. Joy and disbelief and wonderment.

I wondered if I should go down and tell ross right now, but the shower was already running and I felt like I needed to let this sink in.

I stepped into the shower a little more carefully than usual and let the water hit my chest and put my hands on my belly, suddenly so precious.

I looked across the bathroom at the small round mirror above the sink and could just about see my middle. I stared at my gut, something I’d felt disgust at so many times but now something that was acting like a glorious soft shield around my tiny tiny new passenger.
‘Hello’ I whispered and my happy tears mixed with the shower water. 

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